come what may

love.
_________________ the absence of love.

When I was in highschool I was the girl that wore my heart on my sleeves and there was no hiding the fact that I wanted to be in love.  And that i wanted it to work badly with anyone who gave me the time of day.  As soon as I graduated I found an amazing girl who I fell deeply and madly in love with.  But being so young, people change, and feelings change. 

I was bitter, after that didn't workout I was downright angry.  It wasn't either of our faults I just didn't know if I believed in the one thing I had always clung to.  I was gay, and I had always hung on to that was a simple me being in love with another woman.  But without someone to love, and a new belief that it didn't exist; I became reckless.  I had relations with a girl I never asked her name, objectified women daily, and had a small encounter with a porn star. 

But for an entire year, my values were gone.

Someone told me this week that she wanted to fall in love when she turned 25.  It doesn't work like that.  I didnt want to be in a relationship.  I didn't want to deal with something else that WOULD fail, or so I believed.  And I know its too soon to say that I've reached a point of immediate happiness.  But in my mind HAPPINESS is the journey not the destination.

I've met the most amazing girl who I got to surprise this last weekend.  She had no idea I was coming to visit at all.  Which meant that the first few looks I got from her were the most pure and honest looks I've gotten in years.  I won't forget a single smile she gave me last weekend.  I doubt I'll ever forget a single moment.  Down to her lacing her fingers through mine at a bbq and asking me if I was comfortable.

Then theres the situation where I feel like she's always been a part of me, like I've never been without her.  Everytime we got into the bed it was just understood that we were going to be holding eachother naked.  And no I don't mean in a sexy gonna fuck way.  I simply mean the artistic beauty of 2 women finding their entire happiness laying bare clinging to one another without a care in the world.

I pray that everyone I know gets to experience that.  I pray that the women I've hurt will overcome and realize that they are worth more than the way I treated them.  And I hope they get to wake up with the same goofy smile on their face everyday that I do.